Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
