Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize