Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
