the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
