what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
