Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
