My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
