Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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