Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize