So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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