Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
