I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
