Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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