It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She's like a pop up book from hell.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
