if you like me you must not know who I am
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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