Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My breasts were aching with rage.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
