Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
