I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
