I'm lost and stupid without you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Who died my cat blue again?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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