my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize