did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
