I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
