Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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