I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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