all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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