i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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