I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
