my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
