im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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