I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize