either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
