my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Randomize
