I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
