i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he fucked my hip out of place.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
