Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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