The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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