If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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