Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
