oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got chris browned last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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