Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
