Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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