Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
