Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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