4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
