Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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