she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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