Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize