at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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