Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
