just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
