No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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