I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it glows. i had to have it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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