in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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