I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
