I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
