It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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