dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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