i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
