Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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