I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
