Someone shit on the floor
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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