you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
