I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
