and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
